Who needs to get f*cked to get some good news?

Back in the early nineties, Bill Hicks had this to say about Ted Turner: “Jane Fonda won’t sleep with him, so he has CNN broadcast that by 1992 everyone will be dead of AIDS. If I don’t get laid, no-one gets laid.

“So I’m writing Jane Fonda, will you f*ck this guy so we can get some good news?”

I want to see a well-laid Ted Turner newscast: hey, it's all gonna work out. Here's sports.

Funny thing about Hicks, you listen to the stuff he was saying twenty years ago, and it’s not only still funny, it’s still relevant. The unf*cked Turner syndrome –in the larger sense of drumming up alarmist and misleading news to create fear– has become the standard modus operandi for mainstream media newscasting, especially since 9-11.

Although there’s still a clear need of a good f*cking all around, well, things have changed since Hicks went to where all the good music is. Ten years after the twin towers we’re way beyond the point that mere coitus can make a difference. No, the f*cking that is needed now is of another kind altogether.

What would Bill have said about 9-11 and everything that’s gone down since? Probably something that would make us laugh, hard as that is to imagine. But he made us laugh at the evil behind the Kennedy assassination: “They’ve recreated the repository window just as it was that day, and it’s totally realistic because Lee Harvey Oswald isn’t there.” And he made us laugh during the first Gulf War with his Iraki scud driver impersonation and his personal stance on the war: “I’m for the war, but against the troops.” As for George W(ar criminal) Bush, well, he had plenty of practice with Dubya’s dad George H(alloween mask) Bush.

The premeditated destruction of faraway countries, the torture of prisoners, the rising police state, the global crisis, the bank bailouts, climate disruptions… I think Bill could have handled it with his hooligan approach: “Hooligan? Never heard of it, but I figure I can drink a dozen.” But then again, maybe he would have gone back to the smokes and the drink in a big way. Or maybe he would have run for President as Randy Pan the Goat Boy, independent Cunning Linguist candidate. Or maybe…

Bill Hicks is gone. Hunter Thompson, gone. Carlin, gone. The jesters have cleared the stage and the last laugh is still up for grabs. Now is the time to ask oneself: submissive or dominant?

In the name of good news, let the f*ckfest begin!

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