Some may recall my kvetch about the attraction park city set called Barcelona™ and the backstage reality of 1.7 million stage props that is not always apparent to the city’s 7+ million yearly visitors. Like the fact that each Barcelonian should be getting about 4 tourists a year, so I’m definitely not making my quota. Hello?
Despite its fame as a good place for a quickie in the city’s most emblematic locations and other unspeakable vices (below, some midnight shopping in the Boquería market), Barcelona has always been a family-friendly destination where your loved ones will not be abducted and sodomized by heathens without their manifest consent. In addition, the city offers many interesting gaudí ramblas sangría paella olé. Credit cards of any color accepted. Adiós!
Unfortunately, this state of pristine wholesomeness has been savagely violated by sightings of shadowy crime syndicate godfathers in and around the Pearl of the Mediterranean. Although the southern Spanish coastline has long been a favorite hang out for petrodollar sheiks, Russian mafya and Italian crime families, Barcelona was recently shaken by the news that an entire confabulation of crime syndicate godfathers had been sighted in a hotel in Sitges, a small coastal town half an hour south of Barcelona. Schools were closed and children kept locked at home while the Bilderbergs, cousins of the Bergerbilds, met to indulge in acts so revolting that a media blackout was commanded in the name of keeping lunch down.
A small but motivated group of new world order objectors set up a protest outside the hotel for the delight of the attending bergs, a select lot that includes her serene highness queen Sofia of Spain or a tranny of reasonable likeness, among many other noted crime syndicate godparents. In the clip below, local bullhorn heckler dude informs the cops of their rights, passes the horn and makes for the hills, where he is hunted down by ol’ Bilderberg himself from his wheelchair-adapted helicopter (note: video cuts just before hunt sequence… damn battery).
Having barely managed to recover from the Bilderberg toxic event, Barcelona was again struck by tragedy with the Godfather of Godfathers, not to be outdone by the illuminati gaggles, decided to be more papist than himself and announced a trip to visit the Sagrada Familia. The visit of the Vatican Vulture will put Barcelona on the crime syndicate godfather tourism map for an estimated 150 million viewers worldwide, with which the city hopes to attract more high-profile figures of the crime syndicate godfather circuit.
Not everyone is as happy about the visit as the folks who are renting out their balconies in front of the cathedral for 3,500 euros a pop. Groups of citizens concerned about the presence of such a high level syndicate godfather have gathered under the protest slogan Jo no t’espero (I’m not expecting you), while others have filed an accusation against him with the police for covering for his pederast cohorts, which is laughable to anyone who knows diddle from kiddies.
But barring an act of God, next Sunday the Pope of Rome will land in Barcelona to survey the syndicate’s western dominions from the bulletproof safety of the crimesyndicategodfathermobile, heckled by the legions of crazies. Hundreds of thousands of them are expected to line the streets, waving flags, fainting, suffering seizures and speaking in tongues. They will be accompanied by the usual procession of snake handlers, fried food purveyors, bible salesmen, coin changers, stoned presstitutes and, of course, the children.
Residents of the areas to be quarantined due to Papal presence are advised to stay off the streets unless needing to go number three, and to stay off their balconies in case of random sniper fire. Some folks have been stocking up on basic necessity items like kitty litter, cocaine, cheap wine and zombie flicks; are barring the doors and getting ready to wait it out. Others are preparing elaborate plans to fleece the flock down to the fillings in their teeth; yet others have taken some days off and left the country altogether.
You can run but you cannot hide. And if you hide you cannot run. When the crime syndicate godfathers come marching in, you gotta roll out that red carpet and put on your best smile because old reptiles never forget a face and always save the tasty ones for last. Amen!