Spanish Cucumbers Are Meant To Kill Ya

Spanish is a funny language: Sopa isn’t soap, ropa isn’t rope, and the butter’s meant-ta-kill-ya (mantequilla)!

Never mind the mfcking butter: killer Spanish cucumbers on the loose in Germany! Thousands seriously ill and up to 20 people killed so far by an unknown and by all accounts pretty scary variant of the common benign E. coli gut bacteria. This bad boy secretes a potent toxin that can cause renal failure and, even more unsettling, in one case seems to have been transmitted from person to person, which is unheard of for E. coli which normally only is transmitted from faeces to person.

scientists perform the Spanish fellatio test

This just in! Seems it wasn’t the Spanish cucumbers after all, as German authorities had said at the very start of the epidemic. Their bad. Well, as is said, sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will only cost the Spanish fresh produce sector a paltry 200 million euros a week in cancelled orders at the height of the spring-summer crop of cucumbers, tomatoes and lettuce. Spain is the largest producer and exporter of fresh produce in the EU and this WAS one of the few sectors still working in the country. Spanish producers right now would have gladly chosen the sticks and stones over those particular words that put Spain and cucumbers in the same sentences as lethal E. coli bacteria.

remains of the Spanish cucumber industry

As a side note, one cannot help wonder what kind of crappy karma leads a country to be associated to lethal pathogens that didn’t originate in it, such as the 1918 “Spanish flu” epidemic that killed 50 million worldwide. How did this happen? Get this: due to WWI, neutral Spain was the only country that had uncensored press that spoke freely about the epidemic and its lethality, given that king Alfonso XIII became seriously ill, so it became known as the Spanish flu.

This time around it was the uncensored mouth of some mid-to-low IQ German bureaucrat playing the not-my-blame game that put the Spain in the sham shame. This time it has direct economic impact on a strategic sector even though it took less than 5 days for the lab tests to disprove the Spanish cucumber hypothesis. In fact, at the time of this writing, the origin of the infection remains unknown, although it probably occurred by washing the vegetables with infected water at some point in the production chain, and then eaten without further washing. But then again, maybe not.

As the number of affected people and countries keeps growing, scientists have been picking apart this rogue bacteria and making some surprising finds regarding its DNA that suggest it may have been “weaponized” by genetic engineering rather than just mutated, or maybe both.

Natural News considers the bad E. coli’s “superbug” resistence to 4 different antibiotic families suggests that antibiotic abuse in industrialized farming plus poor water hygiene is a likely source, and furthermore suggests that people taking antibiotics are probably more at risk due to weakened intestinal flora and fauna which facilitates the settlement of the bad coli.

What does appear to be getting clearer is that Hamburg is indeed the focal point, which if confirmed will be one big mouthful of crow for many condescending and arrogant Germans and may force them to stop blaming their neighbours for their own shortcomings. But political and cultural differences notwithstanding, the priority now is to trace the bad coli to its lair, be it in antibiotic-ridden pig stomachs or underground labs with inverse atmospheres, and end the propagation.

To end, just a brief reflection on an issue that one barely hears about, namely the convergence between modern human life and modern food production. For now, I’m thinking about the blasé way in which potentially infected animals are sacrificed and disposed of to save the production chain. Taking into account the stage we’re at, is anyone out there willing to bet the mortgage that we are really, really the top of the cull chain? Crazy cows, swine flu, avian flu, mysterious bad coli… we’re not the top; we’re just the next step.

One thought on “Spanish Cucumbers Are Meant To Kill Ya

  1. Pingback: Today’s Special: Politico a la Lobster « 99 Percent Space

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