A message from His Roundness the Big Donut:
The scenes of unglazed violence that we have witnessed over the past days are an affront to all decent, flavored icing donuts everywhere. We cannot be held hostage to the terror of these rampaging munchkins, and our heroic hole enforcement officers are doing their best to restore order and put those munchkins where they belong.
Some may ask how we have reached this point, but we cannot blame society as a hole for the munchkin problem. Their flour has not been sifted, their baking powder was flat and their cooking oil was too hot. Simply said, they do not fit in our hole society.
We see them in the streets, burning, looting and fighting the menu. They are not all what you would expect; some are brown, some are white, some are even jelly-filled munchettes from posh donuthoods. These are not legitimate protesters, they are opportunists wanting a piece of the hole, yet unwilling to pay the price of holeness.
As the Big Donut of this establishment, it is my duty to ensure donuts do not have the walk the streets in fear of getting their holes stuffed by munchkins. As a society of free pastry goods, we cannot allow the threat of wholeness with a W to end with our way of life and our holey freedoms. We do not want to be mixed all together in the bottom shelf, we each have our place where all the donuts are like ourselves. The mixing of flavors and coatings of the munchkins has brought about this glazeless violence that only serves to strengthen our collective icing that there will be no more fillings spilled in vain in this struggle for all that is double icing with sprinkles.
I have given orders to deploy the forces best prepared to deal with this challenge, hole security officers with long experience in munchkins and other erzatz donut products. This will require all donuts to have their holes probed by officers in search of munchkins, but it is a small price to pay to protect our icings and shelf life. We must remain hole!
A final message to all the munchkins who broke the menu: we will find you, one by one, and put you away where you belong. An emergency committee is being convened at the counter and the coffee’s brewing even as we speak. It makes no difference what flavor you are are how you are filled or coated: until you learn to be the munchkins this holey system needs, you are just lumps of fried batter for the gaping maw of the crisis, cheap empty calories to keep the place hot. Gotta blame someone for the melting icing…
donut society and munchkin torture: geschmack.wordpress.com/2010/01/03/dunkin-donuts-2/
startled hole enforcement officers based on: