Santa Shroom Klaws Gonna GIT Ya

Tis Xmas Day and the world is crazy and every person alive is going to die someday. The sun is born anew but we call it the son and throng the malls to celebrate the birth of he who drove the lenders from the temple. Some fat guy in a red suit is fondling the kiddies and threatening to come down your chimney at night for more if he finds them “nice”. Who the fck is this guy anyways, and how did he muscle his way from traditional German Yuletide icon to Xmas consumer frenzy overlord? His very existence reeks of the druid warlocks and their holly wood wand tricks to subvert the sacred and make of us souless and facile slaves. The red suit, the jingles, the sack… of course the children cringe. The sack man who comes at night to steal naughty children is a primeval archetype that is very real to children in many cultures still.

The santaklaws avoids Spain, where he got mauled by a mob of Catalan schoolchildren armed with sticks and ordering him to shit turrón. In Chile they are removing him from the streets because they don’t give a fck who he is and they don’t have chimneys anyway. And the latest word from the US is that Xmas is in indefinite detention and Rudolph is an Al-CIAda sympathizer and drone squadrons are on their way to the North Pole to “liberate” the elves. So whatcha bringing the kiddies this year, klaws…?

This just in! Seems the santa’s been outed as an allegorical representation of a mushroom! According to sources, he is none other but the fly agaric mushroom of druid and shamanic potion fame, sprouting under the pine tree. This could explain why he drives some people into frothing frenzies over footwear and cheap kicknacks… serious shroom eaters know that the agaric can drive a man to see magic sleds pulled by flying reindeer, in a best-case scenario.

But wait, there’s more! The most intriguing video embedded below suggests that far from being mythical, savage Father Xmases are quite real and even more unsettling than the sack man. Probably munch on the fly agarics like popcorn, when not out hunting for fresh meat…

The twisted santa meme is picking up traction for reasons yet to be understood. Only he knows what he’s done to deserve such bad press after such long and fruitful contribution to the Coca Cola Corp and Yuletide consumer frenzy in the free world. It would seem that the shitrain spares no man, not even allegorical mushroom ones, in their moment of truth. Just wait til the freed elves get their hands on him… this is how father figures are put to rest. There are no gifts left at the end of this era.

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